Pontius Pilate IPA
He may have sealed his fate when he washed his hands, but he forgot to protect his likeness two-thousand-years hence when a beer begged his name. Pontius Pilate IPA is less rough than the decisions the man had to make, to be sure, evoking a more relaxed, juicy New England style he must have tasted in a vision, one assumes replete with other manner of things usually attending such visions yet not crossing over into beer --we attest-- all the while maintaining a citrus finish more gentle than a routine execution.
el Dorado, Belma, and Mosaic hops. 6.2%.
Crooked Cross Cream Ale
So our cross is crooked. You got a problem with that? 180 years can do that to a cross, ya know? And don't dismiss this liquid gold by saying it's a light beer drinker's first craft beer, although it could be that in a very reductive sense, like saying Nick Saban is a failure because he couldn't win in the NFL.
Magnum and Cascade hops in a 5.6% crushable form that will inspire one to look up at the heavens and ask: "Wherefore hath such cream ale been me life, oh Beer Lords? Why hath thou forsaken me?"
Forsaken no more! Pull a stool up, friend.
Swingline Mapler Imperial Stout
We're not calling this whole thing off. mmmKay...we're gonna need to go ahead and move you into storage B. We have some new people coming in, and we need all the space we can get. So if you could go ahead and pack up your stuff and move it down there, that would be terrific, mmmKay?
Milton: "And I said, I don't care if they lay me off either, because I told, I told Bill that if they move my desk one more time, then, then I'm quitting, I'm going to quit. And, and I told Don too, because they've moved my desk four times already this year, and I used to be over by the window, and I could see the squirrels, and they were married... But then, they switched from the Swingline to the Boston stapler, but I kept my Swingline stapler because it didn't bind up as much, and I kept the staples for the Swingline stapler and it's not okay because if they take my stapler then I'll, I'll, I'll set the building on fire..."
Blessed we are now, Friendlies, to have before us the best of both dialogues, a cacophony of smack--phony--related to the m-to-the-a-to-the-p-to-the-l-to-the-e!
A heavy combination of caramel and dark roasted malts, rich lactose sugar, and even milk-damn-chocolate! Who doesn't want that? Also, who doesn't want a stapler?
Now, add maple syrup. Right?
Marshmallowy sweetness, anyone?
This is what we have here in the Swingline Mapler!
Full bodied, thick, but drinkable at breakfast, lunch, dinner, or anywhere in-between, night or day...
German Magnum Hops, 9.3%
Atlas Hugged Stock Ale
Ok Doctor, now this really is something here. 11% doesn't just knock down yer gullet every day now, eh? Know what I mean?
Some blokes need that kinda juice to stay interested, but you and I just like a stiff one every now and then to keep things real--am I right? A proper bump like this can reboot a bloke and make 'em born again--nothing wrong with that, by gob!--but, me Friendly, you and I are only here to honor to this genre of beer--Stock Ale we're told by brewfriends in the know--to be proper, or rather Olde Ale, as some of the geezers here report, fish'n chips be damned. Not their fault, at all. But in soothe it can rock ye a bit off the rails...Is that wrong?
Then I don't want to be right, mate.
No Sir, I will not stand by whilst pozers selfie this beer just because it packs such a damn punch--do ye have a glass jaw, Friend? This is a beer to quaff for taste, not just potency!: a massive grain bill of English Maris Otter and Crystal converge into a caramel sweet malt bomb; the unique addition of American Mosaic hops add subtle black currant, fig, and date notes to the tune of 60 IBU's; deep ruby red in hue, big bold flavors, and the slow warming of 11% abv... God save the Queen, Doktor! Atlas held up the world and will surely give you a warm loving embrace.
Tinderella Crème Brûlée Blonde Ale
You'll be swiping right on this one with such alacrity, Mister, you may want to make sure ya damn finger don't break off.
Still carryin' that glass shoe around with yaself all over town, eh mate? Word in this here SWMI is that an odd traveling flip-flop salesman is dispensing his wares, unbidden, upon unsuspecting soles.
It's getting weird, man.
But before you get all Prince Charmy on us, settle down and pour this deep gold, almost-caramel-in-color beauty, reminiscent of the charred vanilla top adorning this beloved dessert. The two types of caramel malt give it sweetness and complexity. Lactose sugar and extreme vanilla add that unique flavor, body, and candy like finish. Bold in flavor, yet retains drinkability. Winter is coming and this beverage will certainly help get you through, but leave the glass slipper at home.
MAGNUM HOPS, 6% and 10 IBU's.
Irregardlessly Amber ESB
Irregardlessly, here it is!
Notice the red hue of the amber, eh?
Irregardlessly, it is officially an ESB. Shall we spell that our for ye?
Well Friendlies, this classic English-style beer is amazingly simple in its design, but easy to get wrong. To get it right because we care about beer muchly we use Maris Otter English malt as the base--truly the Rolls Royce of barley--and then English Crystal malt adds a luxurious red color and mild sweetness.
Further, dear reader, we care enough about ye buds of taste that to balance the sweetness we add old-world-varietal English East Kent Golding hops. All in all you have a perfectly quaffable pint of amber nectar sure to please even the most persnickety palate, irregardlessly.
6% and 30 IBU's of hooliganism in a glass.
Cocoa Gadget Arms Oatmeal Chocolate Stout
The golden naked oats provide a fruity, nutty, and berry undertone while the copious dark English malts provide chocolate and coffee notes to compliment the judicious use of cacao nibs.
Magnum and East Kent Goldings hops. 5 percent.
If ye don't like this, ye likely don't like stout anyways, friendly...
Petty Bourgeois Saison
It was the best of times. It was the worst of times.
Semi-autonomous peasantry and small-scale merchants, self-identifying with a haute bourgeoisie yet self-loathing in their self-conscious inability to escape labour themselves while simultaneously purchasing it, would find respite from worn politico-economic ideological stress-poses by getting bloody tight out on the farm, behind the barn, far from the management of production, distribution, and/or exchange of commodities and/or services.
Out there at the farmhouse, as we all know, open oak fermented saisons would get the party started among the transitional classes, and so we have reprised this practice in honour of our brethren with wheat and belma hops used in the boil and then dry hopped with them aft', yielding subtle aromas and flavors of pears and strawberries. 5%.
Double Pontius Pilate DIPA
Come on now, Doc: Did you really think we wouldn't concoct a dooble from this finest of NE IPA? Our signature brand? Don'cha think we want to do right by you, friendly?
You do like beer, right?
Pull up a stool and open you mouth, than - BIG peach, mango, and papaya flavors await you in this double dry hopped 8% beauty of a full-bodied beast that will make you wash your hands of some of the lesser beers that may have been presented to your face in the past. el Dorado, Belma, and Mosaic hops. 8%.
And the next time someone tries to force an unsmoothenly dooble down yer gullet, ask:
"Et Tu, Brute?"
Full Regimental Scotch Ale
riverrun, past Eve and Adam's, from swerve of shore to bend of bay, brings us by a commodius vicus of recirculation back to Buffalo --New-- environs. German Magnum + East Kent Golding Hops + Maris Otter Malt + your basic two-hour boil -- what more could a Full Regimental Scotsman ask for? 5%
Here comes everybody!
WITney Juice-ton Belgian Double NE IPA
The commingling of a Belgian Wit and a New England Double IPA; white wheat, raw wheat, barley, and oats all coalescing into a full bodied mouthfeel. Restrained additions of bitter orange peel and coriander compliment the Amarillo, Simcoe, and Centennial hops. Double dry hopping with our New England yeast strain makes a beverage bursting with white peach, nectarine, and apricot.
Aaaaaaaaaaaand IIIIIIIIIIIIIIII will always love this beer. 8% and 80IBU's.
Life Wit Out You Belgian Wit
This is a unique take on a classic style, my good man.
You got a problem wit that?
Sure, the whole Belgian orange-peel thing has run its course, but let's stretch ourselves a bitte; we present ye a slighty tart, dry, cloudy beer--black peppery and gingery owing to the Grains of Paradise kettle addition--the unique Belgian yeast strain coalescing with flaked oats, wheat, and barley malt.
What the hell else do you want in this beer, eh?
Fruity undertones finish this damn thing off. You'll drink it with a smile on yer face, unless you hate fun.
German Magnum Hops, 6%.
St. Oblatus' Day
Happy St. Oblatus' Day!
Like all of the greatest saintly feasts, big celebratory days beg big beers; and oh my do we have one for you, Friendlies!: a 7.6% tropical fruit force of an IPA that begins of Mango and finishes with a Pineapple explosion!
For our patron indeed spake ex cathedra of the double dry-hopping he expected in an eponymous beer: Pineapple was his fruit, Dr. No his movie. He kept his nose clean.
Good St. Oblatus drank his share and ne'er involved himself in any of that nastiness we read about on the daily. He left amidst all of that nonsense to bodybuild--Glory Be to God!--and built his lats to such a size grown men would bounce off them and think they had hit a damn barn door!
Lord, he looked fine when arching that back and squatting deep! He knew how important it was to go just a bit past parallel, and that he did. He may have done something very important had he not died suddenly. But that's kind of an important part of what made him a Saint, right? There is the miracle, too.
So on this day we drink strong Mango/Pineapple beer in his memory. We bodybuild, but sometimes not.
Most importantly we proclaim to fellow revelers "Happy St. Oblatus' Day!"
To which the reveler in the know will return a hearty "And also with you!"
El Dorado Hops, 7.6%.